Fighter (Poem)

Here is a poem I just wrote. I know I haven’t posted in forever. Had a long semester.

Fighter

By: ALB

I’ve tried to be the strong one,

Always putting everyone else before me,

But I can’t do it anymore.

I’m falling apart,

I’m losing the fight,

I can’t hold on anymore.

I try to hid my feelings,

Run away from my problems,

Show no fear or weakness.

I can’t do this anymore,

I can’t run and hide anymore,

My demons have finally found me.

I have to accept that my life has changed,

That nothing is ever going to be the same,

For all of you are gone.

I’m left fighting on my own,

Without you to lean on,

I slowly slipped away.

This year has been tough,

For I didn’t have anyone to truly lean on,

I tried to save myself.

I went to the psychologist,

But she told me the same words over and over again,

I couldn’t listen anymore.

I tried to go on alone,

But that made things worse,

I needed someone.

I sit here now still feeling defeated,

Still losing control,

And you will never see me cry.

Drive

It’s interesting how an old mill town and a beautiful sunset over the mountains can throw your life into full perspective. Yesterday while driving back to school I decided to take the longer more scenic route back. I’ve only gone this way once before with my mom. During that first drive back I really didn’t pay much attention to what was going on outside of the car. I drifted in and out of conscious sleep will my mom drove. This time it was just me and when I hit the towns of Westminster and Orange a new world opened up to me. A lot of these towns still use freight trains to bring in and send out supplies. A lot of these towns still use the factories and old ways of the Industrial Revolution (from what I could see anyway).

I always love watching the sunset and the beautiful colors that form in the sky. As I watched the colors fade and darkness engulf Amelia (my car) and I I started to feel at peace. I don’t spend much time anymore watching the sun fade away. I’ve been rushing through life and not taking a step back to watch and enjoy the worlds riches. I did for a little while when I took Nature Journaling but since then life’s been pretty hectic.

As I drove through the twisty mountains of Route 9 from Brattleboro, Vt I couldn’t help but marvel at the Christmas decorations. So many houses and businesses were covered in multiple colored lights and other decorations. They were so much nicer looking than the ones I saw back home. I felt so much more in the holiday spirit. It didn’t help any either that I had my Ipod set on my Christmas Music Playlist. I spent two hours uploading my seven Christmas Cd’s to my laptop and Ipod fore the ride back. I love the feeling of Christmas time. It makes me feel alive and reminds me why I’m still here. I will survive these next three weeks and make it back home once again.

Downward Spiral

This is your senior year. Its going to be the best year of your life. I was told by a lot of people prior to coming back to SVC. I was excited. Senior year. I had the whole world at my feet. I had an internship, I had a great job back at school, I was excited to see all my friends. I had high expectations for this year. Nothing is as I hoped.

Over the summer I finally voiced to my doctor that I’ve been suffering from anxiety. I use to think I had to live with it and deal with it on my own. This summer it got worse. I started to have panic attacks night after night after night. I was afraid of dying, of not existing anymore, and not being around those people I loved. I was put on Trazodone to help me sleep at night. Its helped me get to sleep but what about during the day? I’ve defeated my fears of dying and I’m starting to feel a bit like my old self again.

I arrived at school and nothing pointed towards this downward spiral. I went to my classes everything changed. The stress started back up again. I became afraid of falling behind on my reading for my literature class. I haven’t been thinking straight when it comes to writing my papers for classes. I can’t even remember half the time what my professors say right after they say it. I won’t give up trying but all this work is driving me up a wall.

I was so excited to have an internship.  Not so much anymore. I’m constantly worrying will I get enough hours in each week so I will have the required 150 hours by the end of the semester. I’ve had to sacrifice going to certain events on campus that could help me with my future because I need to go to get my hours done.

Oh and my job I was so happy about having? What job. I didn’t get to my old boss in time I guess. I’ve decided with my internship taking up every spare moment that I wouldn’t have time for a job as well.

I was happy to see my friends the first day back but have I really talked to any of them. No. Why? Because I realized over the summer that I wasn’t really friends with them in the first place. The only thing we really have in common is reading and writing. I really don’t fit in with the group, I never really did. I tried to but I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t pretend like I’m like them anymore.

Its suppose to be the best year. Ha. This year has been the worst yet. I don’t know how much more stress and anxiety I can take before I snap. I go to the therapist on campus but I feel its not enough. I feel I’ve lost my support group and I really don’t know where to go anymore.

At the same time I’m losing hope in myself. I don’t know what I want to do anymore. I don’t feel I want to do PR anymore. I don’t know anything. I’m losing hope in myself.

Breaking Point

I don’t know how much more I can take before I reach my breaking point. I was hoping this summer was going to be a blast and filled with lots of reading and writing. None of that has happened. I haven’t had the drive to read or to even write. I have lost my motivation to pick up a piece of paper and write. I feel that the motivation is lost in my mind waiting to come back out only when I am ready and relaxed enough. I’m still feeling very stressed out and overwhelmed. I discovered last night it was because I haven’t had any real fun at all this summer. I barely see any of my friends and when I do, we do the same things we always do (go to the mall, chill at someones house and watch tv). I need something new to do (go into Boston for the day, visit a museum, go to the beach, go down the Cape). All my life I’ve been pretty sheltered. My parents have made a lot of the decisions for me. I have always had to do what they thought was, “safe”. I haven’t been able to live my life because of them. I’ve been a good girl all my life and listened to them. I’ve let them control me. I’m sick of it. Right now I’ve reached my breaking point. I can’t do this anymore. If I continue down this path I’m going to go nuts and the stress is going to become too unbearable. I need to break free, do what I want to do. Maybe then will I finally find the path I need to be on.

Hello World

I know I wasn’t going to write anything on here but my short stories, plays and poems but not allowing myself to write on here about anything going on in my life has been driving me crazy. I had a lot planned for the summer. I was going to write a lot and read a ton but have I done like anything since I got back from SVC… nope. I finished the book I was reading before I left and I’ve written a few little blurbs. I was trying to write daily for a while but that didn’t work out. I stopped after doing it for three days. Since starting my job I haven’t had time to write or read. I haven’t had time to do anything really. Since starting my job I haven’t had any time to sit and think. I haven’t felt myself since I got home. I haven’t had any ideas or anything. I’ve had a major writers block. I haven’t even had any ideas for youtube videos. My inspiration seems to be lost at the moment. I feel like a part of me is missing. I’ve been home for three weeks today and I feel like I’ve been home forever. I feel like everything I’ve learned or happened at SVC is just a dream and it never happened. Please come back motivation and inspiration. Come back my creativity.

Belong (Poem)

Belong

By: ALB

As I sit here wondering

Time moves slowly by

Another moment lost forever.

 

Will I ever belong among others in this world?

A question that always pass through me

And never seems to find an answer.

 

Nothing is different

It will always come back to the same

Me sitting alone at night.

 

As much as I dislike this

I have to learn to welcome it

For it will always come back to this.

 

My mind needs to stop wondering

And be satisfied at least I’m still alive

To live and breathe another day.

 

I never turned my back on the world

As much as I wanted to

I’m still here.

 

I will never give up the fight

This is me

Forever and always, fighting.

 

Something I’ve Been Thinking About

I know I said I wouldn’t post anything not stories or poems on here again but this is something important and I felt needed to be expressed on my blog. For my Writers View class we were asked to write about ourselves and what makes us define ourselves as readers or writers. Now I’ve been writing for a very long time but I always conclude that my passion for it started in middle school (seventh grade to be more specific). As I’m starting to write out my story I’ve been seeing what pushed me to want to be a writer. My best friend in middle school had written a poem that she gave to our teacher and I became jealous. She was a great artist and for her to also be a great writer infuriated me. I wanted to prove to myself and to the world that I was good at something. Back then everything I tried just didn’t fit. I was really good at science when it came to the natural world but in 8th grade I almost failed science so my path towards that ended. Writing became my life and is still part of my life today. I’m striving now to get my BA in Creative Writing/Communications. If I didn’t try to prove that I was good at something I probably wouldn’t be here right now typing this. I have to thank my old friend and teacher for showing me that I am not worthless and that I am good at something. I also like to take this time to thank my friends, they are always there to help and push me beyond my limitations. I also have to thank my professors for doing the same. I love you all =)